3rd August 2010
It’s coming up to 6 months this week that my baby girl Evie was born asleep into this world. It doesn’t feel to me like 6 long months have passed, to me it feels like time has stood still and the world and everyone else in it are still going on with their daily lives, whilst I sit here thinking about what my daughter would have been like and what I am missing out on with her.
My pregnancy had run very smoothly, I had some morning sickness. But other than that we had no problems whatsoever. All the scans/checks and test done were fine. We didn’t find out the sex of baby, as long as it was healthy we weren’t fussed.
The baby’s due date came and went, still no sign. Too laid back, relaxed and not in a rush, like their daddy I thought!
When I was 41 + 2 weeks pregnant the midwife came round to do a routine check and a cervical sweep. The baby was fine that morning, the midwife had listened to her HB, all okay. She then did a cervical sweep & asked me to go to the antenatal day unit to be monitored as my blood pressure was raised & there was protein in my urine.
We left the house a couple of hours later with all of the bags that I had packed for the baby’s arrival. As I was this far on in the pregnancy I expected to stay in and possibly be induced. We were excited to be finally meeting our baby.
Once there the midwife checked my BP and urine again, all was fine and back to normal. She then strapped me up to a monitor to check on baby. She left my partner and me alone at one point, he said baby’s heartbeat was dipping, he thought she was moving around, and so the midwife came in and asked me to move to a bed.
She then picked up baby’s heartbeat, but it was low, she said something about baby being in distress and asked whether I had eaten recently, a C Section was mentioned and she said that my partner would not being able to come into theatre with me, I was just in a daze then. I was put in a wheel chair and taken up to the maternity ward.
What happened next was not something I was expecting at all, my world was torn apart in a matter of minutes and with just a few words “It’s not good news I’m afraid”
I was wailing, my head in my hands, I was in complete and utter shock, disbelief and despair, the pain I felt was indescribable. I was then told that I would have to deliver my baby. I was so, so scared of this, labour I thought, was going to be bad enough delivering a live baby. But when you know your baby has died, I was in so much pain already, mentally and emotionally, I couldn’t comprehend anything. I wanted my baby to be born screaming, not silently into this world.
About 24 hours after we had first entered the hospital our baby was born. The midwife wrapped her up and took her into a side room, when I asked her if baby was a boy or girl, she told me "a beautiful baby girl", this was when my tears started and at the time felt like they would never stop "that's my Evie!" I exclaimed!
Once Evie had been cleaned up, she was brought in to us, we spent some time with her before our families came in. She was perfect and so beautiful, she had dark hair and such a lot of it. She had my partner’s ears & nose, but she had my lips. She was 20 and a half inches long, she had such long legs & big feet to boot! She weighed 5 lbs and 12 ounces.
The midwife stayed with us for a while and took her hand & foot prints, we took photos & cut some locks of her hair. We got to keep copies of the tags on her feet & the tape measure with her measurements on. All put inside a pink memory box.
As I held her in my arms, I willed her & wanted her to open her eyes, I so wanted my perfect little girl to breathe & cry. But she was so still and silent.
Leaving the hospital the next day was terrible for both of us, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do, leaving Evie behind, knowing that I would never get to hold her again. We should have been leaving with our daughter, not a box with her memories or the blanket which she had been wrapped in.
The day’s and weeks that followed were a blur, a complete mixture of emotions as we planned our daughter’s funeral. But with the help of family and friends we were able to do it. The service was lovely and the people who had been touched by Evie’s short life inside of me were there to honour her.
At that time I was in a very dark place, the feelings felt were so intense and I found myself reliving the days surrounding Evie’s death and birth as if it were happening again. I honestly thought there was no way out of this dark hole.
I felt so alone, family and friends were there for me, but nobody can fully understand the depth of pain or despair that I felt and how your life will never be the same again as a parent to a lost child, unless they have been through the same.
I didn’t want to speak to people and wouldn’t go out alone for a long time. I would sit and think of how cheated I felt, I had carried her for 9 months, I should have had a baby to care for now. I was on maternity leave, but with no baby! I felt angry and jealous, why us, why our baby girl, why did she have to die? I felt a longing fill my empty arms and aching heart, to be able to see my baby girl grow and do all of the things that I should be doing. Also a longing to feel like the carefree and fun loving Emma that I once was.
6 months on and I still feel cheated, angry and jealous, although the feelings are not as intense as they once were. They will never leave my life, I know and accept that they are a part of me now and always will be. This is me and my life now, a new kind of ‘normal’. I will always grieve and cry for Evie and the little girl that I will never get to know. But I have smiled and laughed again, something I never thought possible the day my world came crashing down around me.
I think about Evie everyday and speak about her when people ask. I look at some of the beautiful things I and other people have bought for her and smile, she is still getting spoiled even though she is not here. We will build memories for our beautiful girl in different ways and she will never be forgotten. Whilst she was just with us for a short time, she will be forever in our hearts.
